I'm sure everyone was looking forward to this one: http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/060915 There are three forms of comebacks: The ones when a team or player overcomes seemingly insurmountable odds; the ones when a player recovers from a debilitating injury to regain his previous form; and the ones when a memorable personality retires or fades away, then splashes back onto the scene with "not only am I back, baby, but you're gonna remember this moment for a long freaking time" vigor. Those aren't even comebacks, actually. They're more like resurrections. And you only need a few words to describe the best resurrections. Like MJ dropping 55 in New York. Elvis electrifying Vegas in the leather jumpsuit in '68. Vito Corleone's chilling "but I'm a superstitious man ... " speech. Cosell introducing Sinatra for "The Main Event" at MSG. Ali dropping Foreman in Zaire. Shannon Tweed and Andrew Stevens getting it on in "Body Chemistry 4." It's a short list. And that's what made Art Shell's comeback so beautiful. He picked up right where he left off, as a glorified caretaker for a fading franchise. Apparently I was the only writer who remembered why Oakland canned him 12 years ago -- because he single-handedly submarined the Super Bowl chances for a loaded stretch of Raiders teams, to the point that nobody ever hired him again -- but that didn't stop people from playing the race card and pretending that Art would be installing discipline/intensity/consistency/professionalism with the 2006 Raiders. Um, why would things be different this time around? Hearing the Raiders rehired Shell was like reading that J-Lo and Ben Affleck were engaged again. Wait, what???? In last week's column, I mentioned two silver linings for Art's comeback: The gambling implications (with Aaron Brooks involved as well, it felt like the Perfect Wagering Storm) and the comedy implications (because an entire generation of NFL fans under 22 could enjoy the Art Shell Experience for the first time). But I never imagined how Monday night's game against the Chargers would play out. San Diego completely obliterated the Raiders from the first snap, to the point that Marty Schottenheimer opted for the three-runs-and-a-punt routine for the entire second half, content to let his defense protect a 13-0 lead that seemed more like 93-0. The Raiders couldn't have looked more disjointed, mismanaged and untalented. It's not possible. Here was the best part: Shell standing motionless on the sidelines, rarely moving, rarely blinking, seemingly oblivious to the ongoing apocalypse on the field. One of my readers wondered if ESPN was looping the same Shell shot for four quarters, kinda like how Keanu Reeves rigged the bus camera in "Speed." And just like the old days, Art was wearing a headset, only it's unclear if the headset was on or off since he never said anything into it; for all we know, the headset was playing show tunes. There was one moment during a commercial timeout when he was listening to Randy Moss, who suddenly looked up and nudged him toward the field, like he was saying, "Yo, Coach, the game started," followed by a jolted Shell scampering back toward the sidelines like a nursing home resident who just realized he was late for BINGO. That's the only time we saw him move. In other words, it was just like old times. And my readers were delighted. I ended up receiving 10 times as many Art Shell e-mails as Dream Team e-mails after USA's loss to Greece. (If you're interested, you can read the best ones HERE.) There were the requisite "Weekend at Bernie's" cracks, jokes about the music selection in his headset, dozens of descriptions of the Art Shell Face, people honestly wondering if he's really alive, even younger readers simply thanking me for taking the time to warn them. Although we weren't able to see Art work his magic with a two-minute drill, everyone agreed that it remained an immensely enjoyable TV experience ... and that's even before the Governator's 3rd quarter cameo when he lauded Art Shell for pulling off a "miracle" with this Raiders team, followed by Ron Jaworski doing a legitimate double take and looking like he just smelled a noxious fart. You know what? In a roundabout way, Arnold was right. This WAS a miracle. See, I wasn't old enough to remember Elvis in Vegas or Ali in Zaire, but I'll always remember watching a rusty MJ drop 55 on the Knicks, and I'll always remember the night Art Shell came back and may or may not have been alive. So thank you, Gambling Gods, and thank you, Comedy Gods. Some things are better the second time around. :rofl:
Simmons is a huge Sox fan, as well, so that's two strikes against him. But at least he's honest about it, unlike half the clowns in the media who hide their agendas. Here's one of the funniest mailbag pieces Simmons has written. I could see last year's Sunday Night NFL crew saying this. He captures perfectly the role each commentator played. Q: Wouldn't it be pretty funny to hear ESPN's "Sunday Night Football" crew give a eulogy? -- Alex, Syosset, NY SG: Actually, I was hoping for a Pat Morita tribute during the Saints-Jets game... Patrick: Guys, we'd be remiss if we didn't say good-bye to one of the great, great actors of our generation, Pat Morita -- what an actor this guy was! Just a great, great, great actor. Theismann: Mike, when we talked to John Avildsen, the director of "The Karate Kid," he told us that Pat Morita was one of the greatest actors he ever worked with. I mean, here's a guy who was simply robbed for the 1984 Best Supporting Actor by Dr. Haing S. Ngor. Maguire: I'm gonna tell you what a great actor this guy was. Watch this clip from the first "Karate Kid" when he saves Daniel-San on Halloween ... watch him jump this fence and take out the Cobra Kai -- here it comes, here it comes, WHAM! BAM! Right there! And look at his feet! See his feet moving! Is this guy something? You think this guy doesn't know karate? Patrick: What a scene for Pat Morita! HOLY COW! Theismann: And guys, when we talked to Jimmy Franklin, the head writer for "Happy Days" back in 1977, he told us that Pat Morita was the easiest guy he has ever written for -- and this is a guy who wrote for Pat Schneider, Vic Tayback, Conrad Bain and pretty much every great sitcom actor from that decade. No one can do the crane like Pat. Mr. Miyagi, we'll miss you! Maguire: And Joe, you want to talk about a guy who could steal a scene? This guy could steal scenes. He'd steal 'em right out of thin air! And you know the thing about Pat Morita -- when he belted out a line like "wax on, wax off," I'm gonna tell you somethin' right now: You believed him. You waxed on, and you waxed off. Theismann: I'm not so sure he wasn't the greatest character actor of all-time. Patrick: What a great, great actor and what a huge, huge loss -- you cannot say enough about it. So long, Pat Morita.
Okay, it's official, The Art Shell Face needs to be inducted into the Pantheon, if you haven't done so already. Being somebody who is in the 22 and under age group, I have never experienced The Art Shell Face before ... until Monday night. The multiple camera shots of Shell's blank, expressionless face were almost funnier than the Raiders play on the field. Almost. --Jeremy Morgan, Cape Cod, MA Being 21 years old, I'm not old enough to remember Art Shell's first stint as a head coach. Well, the Art Shell Face lived up to your hype. Everytime there was a shot of him on the sidelines, my roommates and I were cracking up: The Raiders were getting blanked at home on Monday Night Football and he seemed completely oblivious. He barely spoke to anyone, showed no emotion, and seemed to be just staring into space most of the time. The moment that defined the game, in case you missed it: Shell has his back to the field, and he's talking to Randy Moss. Randy glances over Art's shoulder and points at the field. Shell turns around and seems startled to see a game going on, so he dutifully put on his headset and strolls back to the edge of the field. Absolute comedy gold, and the fact that his team looked incompetent only made it funnier. --Jonathan Holloway, Raleigh, NC I just stumbled upon pure Drinking Game gold. Every time the camera goes to Art Shell and he doesn't say a word or open his mouth, take a drink. This is incredible. The Art Shell face is amazing. I love football and I love drinking and now I love Art Shell! --Victor Silva, Tempe I didn't think the Art Shell era could possibly live up to the hype, but it greatly exceeded it. Watching the Oakland offense was like watching a kid play Madden '07 that doesn't know which button to push to throw the ball. How many weeks before Vegas takes all Raiders games off the board? --Mike Peters, New York, NY I fall into that demographic (I'm 22) of people who were too young to remember when Shell coached the first time. Everything you said was 100% correct. I would say Shell looks like a deer in headlights but that would be an understated cliche. Shell looks like a 14 year-old boy who got caught by his grandma pleasuring himself. I say he's gone after this season and will be joining the professional staring contest tour. --Edan, Melville, NY Is there any proof that Art Shell is in fact able to communicate with other humans? He is the Helen Keller of the NFL. --Alex Rosenblatt, Los Angeles, CA When I was younger, I only remember Art Shell from a Topps football card where he was staring off into the distance with no expression on his face whatsoever. I always assumed that the Topps people just snapped a pic during some pre-season drill while Shell was busy just killing time. Little did I know until tonight that it was more likely an action shot from a real game! --David Sanders, St. Louis, MO Does Art Shell talk? There were at least a dozen head shots of him and I didn't see his lips move once. Do you think he was at least grunting? --Doug, Boston, MA I would pay money to read the notes Art Shell was writing to himself during that Monday night game. 1. Try not to get sacked so much. 2. SCORE 3. Get high with Randy Moss later 4. FAKE OWN DEATH --Andrew Stehle, Pine Hill, NJ You weren't kidding about the Art Shell Era! I've been watching the game for three hours now and you know how many facial expressions I've seen? One. I feel like I'm watching Weekend at Bernie's. --Eric V, Cerritos, CA After watching Art Shell's lifeless stare on the sidelines Monday night, I'm convinced the Raiders should hire Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman to prop him up on their shoulders for the remainder of the season. --J Trask, Natick, MA I'm 19 and have never been given the oppurtunity to experience Art Shell. HOLY LORD ... YES. He is incredible. When he's listening to that headset he reminds me of Alan Arkin in the car scene from Glengarry Glen Ross. The one where Ed Harris keeps blathering on and Arkin, dumbfounded and slow, can only nod and reply, with conviction, "yes" to each comment Harris makes. Except, at least Arkin has some sense of undeserved pride, like he's contributing something. --Mikey, Boston My favorite part: Moss talking to Shell on the sideline when Moss suddenly stops, points toward the field and nudges Shell -- who then quickly puts his headphones back on and walks back toward the field with an "Oh yeah, I'm coaching a game now" look on his face. Good times are here again in Oakland! --Joe K., Marlton, NJ Art Shell's face ... priceless is the only way to describe this work of art. --Jeff, Ann Arbor, MI Projectile Poo. The common thread between my 4 week-old daughter and my Raiders. Boy, did you nail it with the Art Shell stuff or what? I'm sure he's just staring out into space thinking, "I wonder if it was all those chicken wings that's giving me this gas pain." The new season of 'Lost' should just feature Art Shell by himself. --Ewan Clow, LA Since I'm only 18, I don't remember Art Shell from his first go-round in Oakland. So I didn't really understand your comments on how he just stands on the sideline, face expressionless, not saying a word. I thought it was just exaggeration... but oh no. That was the best part of that game, sitting there laughing at Shell. Me and my friend counted the number of syllables we saw him speak all game -- there were only two. Hilarious. --K. Hood, Lee's Summit, MO God bless Al Davis for giving young guys like me the chance to see Art Shell's comical blank stare. I can't wait until I get to see it in a close game when real clock managment skills matter (if the Raiders ever get in a close game this year). Also, I know its dumb to speculate this early in the season, but what would you think of setting the over/under on Raiders wins this season at 1.5? --Billy Jones, College Park, MD I'm just watching MNF and I'm now convinced that Art Shell is the spawn of the Junkyard Dog and the Barbara Streisand robot from South Park. --Nick Tedeschi, Canberra, Australia My favorite part was watching Art Shell right before a commercial as Brad Nessler proudly quips, "This guy has been there before, and the look on his face tells the whole story". Excuse me? Been where before? Art had the face of a guy who was wondering, "Am I really qualified to coach an NFL team at this point in my life?" or, "Do you think I can parlay this MNF appearance into a 20% off coupon from my dry cleaners?" The best part was that half the time he was donning the classic Art Shell face and the other half he had his head buried in his clipboard. It was almost as if the offensive coordinator was whispering into his headset, "Hey Art, instead of the blank stare, why don't you pretend like you are writing something down?" Just classic. --Mike Hq, San Jose, CA I am 23 and just got done watching the first game of the Art Shell era ... thanks so much for the betting tip! Combine Shell with Brooks and this situation is a gold mine!!!! --Stephen D., Charlotte, NC Art Shell busted out the "Art Shell Face" with precisely 12:30 left in the first quarter. It was incredible. I couldn't tell if his clipboard contained possible plays to run or the menu of the local Applebees. --Thomas, Oxford, MS You talked about it, you talked about it some more, and when you were done with all of that, you talked about it again. I still didn't believe you when you talked about that Art Shell face (I was too young to remember/care before). But I just watched the Monday Night game and I'm not sure he said a single word in the second half. The cameramen must have realized how funny this looked because they just kept going back to him. Somebody has to go back through their TIVO and give us a percentage of times that he was shown and didn't say anything. --Kaveh, Gainesville, FL As a 24 year-old NFL fan with hazy memories of the 1st Shell era, I wanted to thank you for introducing me to the combo of Aaron Brooks and Art Shell! I'm going into work tomorrow and emptying my 401(k) into my newly etablished "Raiders + anything" account! Much safer money. Can't wait to see this duo on the road! Thanks again. --Ben, Chicago Is there any chance Art Shell left Monday Night's game early and watched the majority of it from his own home? Since every sideline shot of him looked exactly the same (blank stare off into space), I'm convinced it was a video shot of him taken sometime during pre-game, and them fed into a loop like the police used in "Speed" to make it look like the passengers were still on the bus. Maybe Art's really a Superhero, and was called into duty shortly before kickoff. There's just no way anyone could look THAT disinterested while coaching an NFL game. Can you check into this? Any major calamities in the Oakland area last night? --Eddie G., Plano, TX Thank you to the guy who pointed out that Art Shell never talks or barely moves on the sidelines. My wife kept asking me why i was giggling everytime they showed him. He'll be great at his next career as the silver painted statue guy at Venice Beach. --Jon Betti, Santa Monica, CA I just want you to know how happy the Art Shell face made me tonight. Too young to remember it during his last tenure, I can't understand how I ever watched football without it. The best part is how it never changed the entire game, no matter what happened. I might have to find a way to see all of their games this year just so I can keep enjoying this. --Ryan, Austin, TX
Holy crap. Did you see Art Shell tonight? I'm only 23, but never before have I seen an NFL coach have less of an reaction to his team being demolished. Art didn't even look angry. He looked like Helen Keller out there. He didn't know whether to be happy, sad, or pissed off as he just stood there like he was listening to AM Jazz on his headset. Thank God for teaming him and Aaron Brooks up for me to gamble on. I'm pretty sure I'll have an erection during this entire NFL season. --Joseph Stevens, Minneapolis, MN Am I crazy, or did every single prediction you made about Art and the Raiders actually happen on Monday night? As a newcomer to Art Shell's brand of football (born in the 80's) I thought that perhaps you had exaggerated some for a laugh. Apparently you were not joking. As a result. I decided not to gamble on the game. I will now go into my living room and drop my coffee table on my adams apple. --Derek Wolfgruber, Manhattan Beach, CA Just wondering what music you think they are piping into Art Shell's headset? Based on his facial expressions (or lack thereof) it's clear that the coordinators aren't even keeping him in the loop on their strategies or decisions. I'm thinking he's listening to a mix of Sade, Extreme and Huey Lewis and The News. How long until the camera catches him singing along to Smooth Operator or Hip To Be Square? --Jason L., New York, New York I am 19 years old and was too young to remember Art Shell's first coaching stint with the Raiders, and after reading your NFL preview where you described Shell's blank stare during the game, I was skeptical that an NFL coach would do something like that. Well, I was watching the Monday night game and was in total shock with how inanimate he was throughout the game. I will never question you again. --John Heasley, Pullman, WA During the fourth quarter. Art looked like he had just walked in on his wife sleeping with Pauly Shore. --Brett Smiley, Syracuse, NY You were right about twenty-two year-olds (such as myself) having the good fortune to experience Art Shell's frozen demeanor for the first time. It was like poetry in non-motion every time a shot of him popped up. Aaron Brooks lobs another pass over Randy Moss for a would-be first down? Blank stare. Another false start penalty makes for another third-and-long? Blank stare. I couldn't believe it and I couldn't stop laughing. On a couple occasions I saw him *writing* stuff on a clipboard, but my guess is that he was scribbling orders down for whoever was making the McDonald's run. Then two hours and seventeen minutes into the broadcast, I actually saw him say three words to an assistant. I thought for a second he was trying to right the ship, until I realized what he was in fact saying was "Whopper with cheese." If I were Jerry Porter, I would want out of Oakland too, if for no other reason than having to endure three hours of the Art Shell face (which I guarantee will be in the Pantheon by the end of the year) every week. I swear, Art and the Raiders staff were cyrogenically frozen since his last firing and haven't watched any football since. He seems flabbergasted that the NFL has decided to employ fast defensive lineman all of a sudden. I'm just waiting for him to reimplement the wishbone. On the plus side, Art won't have any clock management gaffes this season if he keeps getting shut out. --Ryan, Grand Rapids MI I just watched Art Shell on Monday Night Football and saw his sideline demeanor for the firs time since I was 11. This guy should have been cast for the movie Titanic, standing there telling the 2nd class passengers to just be patient and wait for the next lifeboats that don't exist. His team couldn't muster anything offensively while he stands there as an ambivalent observer with the thought, "Wow, these guys in the black jerseys suck." --Brett Bitsko, Elizabethown, PA Watching Art Shell's return to the NFL was brutal. I get the same feeling when an old person is on the Price Is Right - you pull for them to do well, but odds are they have no clue what's going on. --Justin, Shelton, CT You were right, the Art Shell face is unbelieveable...he didn't flinch the entire game as Aaron Brooks was getting skewered by the Chargers D. I think all the horrible NFL coaches should just wear an Art Shell mask for the comedic value. Also, that way, when they get fired and inexplicably re-hired you won't have any idea who it is; you'll just know that they suck and that you'll get to see the Art Shell face all the time. --Anil, New York As a 21 year old I got my first real chance last night to see Art Shell on the sideline. Wow!! I counted at least 5 times in the 1st quarter where the camera zoomed in on him and he had the same expression on his face as the Colonel does when he sees Dirk Diggler's "member" for the 1st time. Hilarious!! Thank you Eddie! --Roche, Iselin, NJ
I am utterly shocked that SundayJack hasn't found this thread yet. I'm going to have to PM him sooner or later.
Hehe. . . . Where was my head?! Love the Sports Guy! Now I'm going to head-off to my favorite Raiders boards to see if they've picked this one up yet. The angst over there these days is fabulous.
Cub Reporter Sundayjack, again returning from a foray into the underworld to report that the land of rotting flesh has latched its wagon to the thinking-stuffs of Philosopher Stuart Scott, who, when asked if the raiders where the worst team in the league, tells us: Nice bit of logic you got goin' on there, Stu. Boo-yah!
Cub Reporter Sundayjack checking in once again. This time from deep down below the festering ooze of Al-Davistan. Finding mixed reviews on this Simmons piece: Only for the Raiders would you need smilies for both :Evil: and "Very Mad Evil:. Tom Walsh is putting the finishing touches on his 48-0 gameplan as we speak. :crossy-fingers: :roalize: This one caught me off-guard. That a Raiders fan could appreciate how someone can be an "assclown" and still be "accurate" shows higher thinking that I never thought possible down here in the underworld. Blind squirrels, nuts, and such. . . Indeed it is, Dean-o. And that's the beauty of team mottos. They're fun things that you can do almost anything with. Team Sundayjerks FTL motto is, "We won't drive a Prius!!" We're committed to the excellence of motto making, Dean-er. Fun stuff. HOLY #$%!!! I just don't know where to start here. Slip away, snowman. Slip away into the night, before anyone sees. Time out! Pittsburgh Raider??? I call *** troll alert ***. As much for content as anything else. Win and lose together. . . .thick and thin. . . . side by side. . . take responsibility. That's so sweet. Cub Reporter Sundayjack, signing off.
This Raider implosion keeps getting better and better. Just when you think things can't get any worse.... I honestly can't imagine what Big Al is gonna do next.
The Raiders just might be the worst team in NFL history. Brooks hasn't attempted a pass in first quarter, though he has managed to lose 2 fumbles.
Aaron Brooks - 2 fumbles, 2 fumbles lost, 0 fumbles recovered Andrew Walter - 1 fumble, 0 fumbles lost, 1 fumble recovered At least Walter is recovering his fumbles. You take that as a step forward.
