Plucky Pigskin Prognostications By JIM ARMSTRONG,AOL Posted: 2007-09-02 19:24:43 Filed Under: Sports News http://news.aol.com/sports/story/_a/plucky-pigskin-prognostications/20070902191909990001 It's going to snow in Buffalo in December. So far, that?s the beginning, middle and end of my list of fearless predictions for the 2007 NFL season. At least it was until my AOL editor called and, shall we say, strongly suggested I come up with a few dozen more. Since he?s the Man with the Plan and I?m a lowly speed typist, I also predict ... The next Cabinet meeting will be canceled due to the White House fantasy league draft. Tom Coughlin won?t host Saturday Night Live. Not that he won?t have time to after becoming the first coach to get canned. Unlike Mark McGwire, Al Davis only wants to talk about the past. As we speak, a Bengal is being arrested. The Chiefs are headed for a major fall. Troy Polamalu skips the first month of the season to get a haircut. The Texans will be the most improved team in the league. The 49ers will be the second-most improved team in the league. Travis Henry will go on I.R. after dropping his little black book on his toe. Roger Goodell will suspend Bill Belichick for dressing like a hobo. Joe Gibbs will walk away in December no closer to the Super Bowl than when he returned to coaching. You can?t answer today?s trivia question: What three colleges produced the most current NFL head coaches? Answer several paragraphs below. Brett Favre will have two passes intercepted by Lambeau Field beer vendors in the same game. Favre will break more records this season than they did at Disco Demolition Night at Comiskey Park. The Saints will prove it wasn?t a fluke. San Diego will have more Pro Bowlers than palm trees. Eli Manning will reveal he was adopted and his real dad is Orville Redenbacher. An overserved tailgater in Green Bay will try to lick a drop of A-1 steak sauce off a hot grill. The Cardinals will be everyone?s darkhorse, but will play like roadkill in the desert. ??Boy, that pass was so close,?? will be as controversial as Bill Cowher gets in the booth. Greg Anderson, Barry Bonds? personal trainer, will buy an NFL team after getting out of prison. The Broncos will be really good or really, really average. Marshawn Lynch will be the best rookie running back in the league. A year later, Rex Grossman still will be Rex Grossman. Bobby Petrino will apply for reinstatement as Louisville?s head coach. Matt Hasselbeck will be in this really cool Rogaine commercial. The Falcons? season will go to the dogs. By midseason, Peyton Manning will look around the locker room and paraphrase Casey Stengel: ??Can anybody here play defense??? Ahman Green will prove the tank isn?t empty. Chad Johnson will bag the team charter and dance to Pittsburgh. An official will blow a key call and everyone in the stands will think the same thing: Tim Donaghy. Norv Turner will bring in San Diego native Phil Mickelson to help the Chargers through this best-team-never-to-win-squat thing. A whole bunch of teams that were crummy last year won?t be this year. Three -- Baltimore, Philly and New Orleans -- won their divisions in ?06 after finishing last the previous season. Santonio Holmes will make them forget his so-so rookie season. Joe Thomas and Brady Quinn will get hurt, following a time-honored tradition for Browns first-rounders. Not so fast, Vince Young. Now they?ve got a season of tape on you. The words ??Pacman?? and ??strip club?? will appear in the same sentence. In fact, they just did. Vincent Jackson will have to settle for playing like a Pro Bowler. The Bears will rule in the NFC North. The rest of the division, meanwhile, will become the CFL South. Check that. The Vikings will be better than you think. Tom Brady goes retro and shacks up with Raquel Welch. Trivia answer: Eastern Illinois (Mike Shanahan, Sean Payton and Brad Childress), Southern Cal (Mike Holmgren, Jack Del Rio and Jeff Fisher) and San Diego State (Herm Edwards, John Fox and Joe Gibbs). Jets wideout Jerricho Cotchery won?t play like just another guy named Jerricho. Jerome Bettis will say something outrageous so Internet columnists will put his name in cyberspace. Ronde Barber will say Eli Manning?s leadership skills are a joke. Every NFL team will observe a moment of silence for Bill Walsh. At least they should. No other coach has impacted the game like he did. They?ll name a ribs joint in Dallas after Tony Romo. Randy Moss will bring out the Barney Fife vein in Bill Belichick?s neck. The Broncos won?t allow 44 points in their first six games, as they did in ?06. Michael Vick won?t like his new number ? 46293 ? as much as the old one.
