TheJetsBlog.com - 2008 Crystal Ball

WhiteShoeWillis · Aug 3, 2008

This has some amusing parts in it - some of it is lame, but worth reading for the funny parts. The second Pats game was my favorite.

In what has become an annual tradition here at TJB, I present to you my game-by-game projections for the coming season. The usual do-not-gamble-based-on-these-predictions disclaimers apply.

Week One - At Miami

New Dolphins head coach Tony Soprano spends the entire first half in the locker room after the feds launch an investigation into whether he had killed ?Big Pussy?. Eventually they are satisfied after he convinces the feds that he just traded him for two draft picks. In the second half, the Dolphins come back for the upset win, as the officials make several bizarre calls for some reason that may or may not be connected to a half time offer made to them by some of Soprano?s cronies.

Week Two - Versus New England

Desperate for a win, the Jets at least know that coach Belichick won?t be filming their signals from the sideline. However, with the whole offseason to come up with some new ways to cheat, the dastardly Belichick holds the Jets to a 3-0 halftime lead by hypnotizing Thomas Jones to render him completely ineffective. He then tricks Justin Miller into conceding a safety on the opening kickoff of the second half by putting a ?Pats endzone this way? sign on the thirty yard line and pointing it the wrong direction. The ploy works so well, that Tom Brady deliberately throws an interception to Miller in the fourth quarter for another safety and the winning points. The City of Boston gets very excited about New York blowing a 3-0 lead and going on to lose 4-3. Meanwhile, Brady stands at Belichick?s side panting and snickering. No change there, then.

Week Three - At San Diego

After a long road trip, the Jets get a boost before their Monday Night clash, as Luis Castillo announces that he wants a day off. Unfortunately, the Chargers replace him with Quentin Jammer, whose nose is so wide that it completely wrecks the Jets running game. Shawne Merriman clinches the win with an interception return as Chad Pennington ironically throws a ?light out?. The Jets fall to 0-3 and the vultures are circling.

Week Four - Versus Arizona

Matt Leinart comes to town and Gary Myers can hardly contain his excitement. However, Leinart struggles badly, partly because of the New Jersey winds and partly because he is hung over from the wild New York nightlife. Despite his extra special level of respect for the Cardinals, Kellen Clemens marks his first start of the season with a great Hail Mary just before halftime. By the time Calvin Pace runs in a TD return on the last play of the third quarter after Leinart mysteriously disappears and the ball is snapped to nobody, the Jets have a fifty point lead and Pace goes on to lead the Jets to a huge win over his former teammates. Footage of Leinart taking his camera down to Gate D later surfaces.

Week Five - Bye

The Jets schedule gets a bit easier as they face up to the winless bye week. The Jets prepare to host the Bengals in week six, whereas the bye week will come up against the Chiefs. Herm Edwards promises not to take the opponent lightly and will not take unnecessary risks such as having his quarterbacks throw downfield during practice.

Week Six - Versus Cincinnati

The Bengals, on day release, travel to New Jersey to face the Jets. Chad Johnson re-does the cheerleader proposal celebration after his first quarter TD gives the Bengals the lead, but Flight Crew Girl Gina defiantly turns him down. Johnson then scores another TD, which he marks with an elaborate song and dance routine about the ?girl who is hard to get?, but Gina is still unimpressed, despite her and the rest of the Flight Crew joining in with the routine, along with officials, players, fans and Dan Dierdorf. Finally, Johnson?s resolve is broken when Joe Klecko taps him on the shoulder and demands that he return the jacket he borrowed from him for the memorable 2006 TD celebration. Johnson is completely ineffective in the second half and the Bengals offense stalls, enabling the Jets to pull to 2-3 on the year.

Week Seven - At Oakland

The Jets receive an unexpected boost in the first half when a wayward Ben Graham punt lands in the black hole. This creates a tear in the fabric of the space-time continuum and takes the Jets defense to another dimension. Eric Barton, in particular, benefits from the strange cosmic episode, as he has always been a player that performs well in space. He sparks the Jets to their third straight win with three second half sacks, mainly because of Darren McFadden?s lack of knowledge about protection. Four people die of boredom reading TMQ the following Tuesday morning, as Gregg Easterbrook goes into intricate detail about how what just happened was scientifically impossible.

Week Eight - Versus Kansas City

The Chiefs, still reeling from their 0-0 tie with the bye week two weeks earlier, come to town fully intending to play to win the game. With the NBA season about to start and Isiah Thomas now out of a job, Herm Edwards invites him along to be a special motivational consultant. ?I know he has made some terrible decisions over the years, showed a mind-boggling lack of understanding of the financial and personnel issues connected with building and developing a team and has been a constant figure of ridicule in the media, but I welcome the chance to work with him here,? say Isiah. Do I really have to tell you the result?

Week Nine - At Buffalo

In the build up to this divisional clash, former Bills wide receiver and CBS analyst Steve Tasker clarifies his comments about Kellen Clemens from last season, admitting that he didn?t say that Clemens was ?Skittish?, he said that he was ?Scottish?, having traced back the ancestoral history of the Clemens name on a Genealogy website. On finding out about his true heritage, Clemens changes his name to McClemens, paints half of his face blue and starts wearing a kilt and carrying a set of bagpipes onto the field and instantly looks 100% more comfortable in the pocket. He eventually runs for the winning TD on a naked bootleg after a clever play fake where he handed the bagpipes to Thomas Jones and ran off with the ball.

Week Ten - Versus St. Louis

The surging Jets welcome one of the league?s hottest teams to the Meadowlands. Sure, they are only 2-7, but Marc Bulger is so dreamy and Brian Leonard is?rugged. (So says Tom Brady, anyway). It?s election week and Jets back-up Defensive End Mike Devito gains National Media attention after a locker room prankster re-arranges the letters on the back of his jersey to say ?I VOTED?. Meanwhile, Kerry Rhodes, who had been wasting unbelievable amounts of money since signing his contract extension, spends another $10m on a campaign to get people to vote for ?none of the above?. His agent later reveals that the Jets offered him twice as much money if he could spend it all before the end of the season. The game itself is high-scoring and close. After initially believing they had won, the Jets find out on Thursday that they had actually lost, following a recount.

Week Eleven - At New England

The Jets travel to Foxboro for their Thursday night clash with the teams tied at 5-4, way behind the unbeaten Dolphins, who continue to benefit from some bizarrely officiated games. Belichick?s cheating hasn?t served the Pats as well as in the past, but he has a new plan for the Jets. First of all, he builds a brick wall on the goalline and then paints it to look like the endzone. Somehow, Thomas Jones manages to run for a touchdown anyway. Belichick knocks himself out trying to figure out how Jones managed to do that without crashing into the wall. Having recovered, the wily Belichick opens a package from ACME Inc. containing a remote controlled football which he takes control of as Kellen Clemens unleashes a long pass. Unfortunately, it malfunctions and flies over to Belichick, exploding in his face. Luckily, he is not hurt, but does end up with his hair standing on end and his face covered in soot. The plan backfires and the Jets win. At the end of the game, Belichick and Mangini surprise the media by performing an elaborate Jose Reyes-style handshake dance and then Mangini says ?meep meep? and runs to the locker room.
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http://www.thejetsblog.com/?p=4787

WhiteShoeWillis · Aug 3, 2008

Continued ...

Week Twelve - At Tennessee

Erik Ainge readies himself for his homecoming and, on this day, holds his clipboard with extra gusto. The Jets are concerned that their former wideout Justin McCareins might be a danger as they expect him to have become much faster after media reports that he had dropped twenty pounds. However, it turns out that this was just when a waiter gave him his change while he was on holiday in England. Vince Young proves that the Madden curse didn?t affect him after all last year, by being just as terrible as he was last year and his six interceptions help the Jets to an easy win and an 7-4 record.

Week Thirteen - Versus Denver

There?s good news for the Jets as DeWayne Robertson, who had bulked up to 340 pounds and dominated the NFL over the first half of the season, is banned for using HGH. Robertson insists that the fat eight year old from a nearby small mountain town who gave him the substance, had assured him it was just ?Weight Gain 3000″. The Jets unveil their new secret weapon at fullback and Kris Jenkins is the lead blocker on three Jesse Chatham TD runs, earning himself the new nickname ?K-zone?. After another solid win, the Jets are now 8-4.

Week Fourteen - At San Francisco

Kramer versus Kramer, The Undertaker versus The Undertaker, Kane versus Kane?and now: Brandon Moore versus Brandon Moore. It?s the matchup everyone has been waiting for and the Jets guard and 49ers linebacker meet at the line of scrimmage with such force that they have to be cut free from the wreckage by firefighters - after every play. (Tom Brady would later call this the most enjoyable game he had ever watched). The carnage completely kills any momentum for the Jets offense and they are shut out by the surprising Niners, who keep their playoff hopes alive. Note: The 49ers Brandon Moore is ex-Jet WR Rob Moore?s younger brother. See, this column is educational, as well as stupid.

Week Fifteen - Versus Buffalo

In a lucky break for the Bills, New Jersey is hit by sub-zero temperatures, which suits them perfectly. Mike Nugent is unable to kick the ball further than ten yards on the opening kickoff, which is not a good sign. In the icy conditions, Kris Jenkins, having mysteriously added 66 pounds since having a chat with DeWayne Robertson after the Broncos game (earning himself the new nickname ?401K?) saves Laveranues Coles from freezing to death by allowing Coles to cut a hole in his body fat and climb inside the hole to stay warm. A warmed-up Coles leads the Jets to the come from behind win with two second half TD catches and afterwards remarks on how badly Jenkins smells.

Week Sixteen - At Seattle

The Jets head off to Seattle for their week sixteen clash with the Seahawks, only to find out that the franchise had been relocated to Oklahoma without anybody telling them. The Jets arrive so late that they don?t get there until an hour and a half after the scheduled kickoff time. They are surprised to find that Jericho Cotchery (who for some reason had decided to travel to the game on his own and had, as luck would have it, just been going through Oklahoma when he heard that the team had moved) had decided to take on the Seahawks on his own and that the score was, incredibly, 7-7 at half-time. When Mangini asks Jericho what happened, Jericho says ?I?m really sorry, it was going really well until just before the end of the first quarter, I was actually 7-0 up.? ?So, what happened next?? Mangini asks him. ?I got ejected?? Needless to say, the Seahawks don?t amount to much of a challenge in the second half and the Jets move to 10-5.

Week Seventeen - Versus Miami

The Jets head to Miami to try and hand the Dolphins their first loss of the season. The league?s worst team from last year had gone to 15-0 after a series of controversial victories, said to be influenced heavily by their head coach and his powerful friends. Meanwhile, Don Shula and the 1970 Dolphins had spent the week downplaying the achievements of the current Miami team, saying that the 1970 team should be the only Miami team to be recognized for an unbeaten season. Shula waters the field before the game, which helps Kellen Clemens, who of course used to be a duck. The score is tied at halftime, but the ex-Dolphins are unconfident about the Jets abilities to win, so they take matters into their own hands by kidnapping several Jets players and heading out onto the field wearing their uniforms. The Jets eventually win in overtime as Mercury Morris hauls in a five yard pass from Enrico Palazzo, shattering the Dolphins dreams of another perfect season and leading to their ultimate capitulation in the postseason. With the win, the Pats are eliminated from playoff contention, to which Bill Belichick says ?drat, drat, dmangini and double drat?.

Once again, I refuse to ?recap? the postseason (other than the fact that I had to be sure to mention that Miami does not, under any circumstances, win the Superbowl). So, now you don?t actually need to watch the season. You?re welcome. What - you mean you?ve been looking forward to it? My bad?
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Jetcane · Aug 3, 2008

Knocking off Big Pussy while they were on that boat was a great scene, and if i wasnt already hooked by then, that scene did it.

Johnny Rico · Aug 3, 2008

well I sure as hell couldn't find the funny parts.

Colintes · Aug 3, 2008

Pretty lame on a whole, although the image of Belichick and Mangini doing a Jose Reyes style handshake after the game is stuck in my head.

thegoldengod · Aug 3, 2008

...for some reason i found the blackhole and the McClemens parts funny

nyjetsrule · Aug 3, 2008

I thought the Seattle one was funny.

"I'm sorry coach, things were going great until the end of the first quarter, i was up 7-0." Mangini : "Well Jericho, what went wrong?" Cotchery: " I got ejected."

I thought the best part of that is that the seahawks only scored 7 the entire second quarter in an 11 on 0 game lol....

TheJetsBlog.com - 2008 Crystal Ball

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