Repost: Why I hate my Mother-In-Law

In honor of the Jets making it to the AFC Championship Game I am reposting a true story I posted a few years back about the '98 AFC Championship Game. After having this experience I am planning to just enjoy every minute of Sunday's game....win or lose. Enjoy....


Originally Posted Nov 19, 2005

In my 100th post, I mentioned that I had a good story about why I hate my mother-in-law related to the Jets/Broncos AFC Championship Game that I would save for my 200th post. Well, here we are a few of weeks later and this is my 200th post. So here it is:

Before I go into the specific events that led to my hatred, let me give you a little background on my mother-in-law. She lives outside of Boston and has a very heavy NE accent (if anyone remembers Billy West’s “Mrs. Schott” impression from the Howard Stern Show….that is a dead ringer for my mother-in-law….that high pitched screeching voice haunts my nightmares). She talks non-stop, is extremely self-centered and always makes everything about her. Over the past 10 years, I’ve had lots of reason for my intense dislike for her, not the least of which is the way she treats my wife, but the genesis of my hatred truly begins with the Jets.

So anyway, my story begins with a wedding invitation from my old college buddy Pete, who lives in California (as a side note – Pete was marrying a professional psychic and she was surprised when he gave her the ring….go figure). His wedding was scheduled for Saturday, Jan 16, 1999. At the time the invitation was received, I didn’t think much of it and made plane reservations that including returning from LAX on Sunday. Well, doesn’t it just figure that THIS would be the year the Jets were making a serious Super Bowl run! Well we all know that the Jets beat Jacksonville and were scheduled to play in Denver on the very Sunday I was flying home (right at game time!).

Oh crap. What was I gonna do? OK….let’s not panic. I formulated a plan. I would set two VCRs (these were pre-TiVO days) in the house and would avoid all human contact until after I watched the game. Hmmm….seems like a flawless game plan.

So, my wife and I traveled to the wedding and had a great time. Our flight home departed LAX during the second quarter of the Falcons/Vikings game (I watched some of it at the airport). The pilot arranged for radio coverage of the games to be on the plane’s audio programming. I listened to some of the NFC game and then around 4:00 Eastern time, I just turned on my Walkman (no ipods back then either) and read. As I was departing the plane at Washington Dulles Airport, I was humming to myself in case anyone was discussing the game. So far so good.

Walking through the airport, I took off my glasses (I am nearsighted) and could only see blurry images of the game at the airport bars. Next, the taxi….luckily the cabby didn’t have his radio on. We made it back to the house and I check the VCRs….still running…..THE PERFECT CRIME!

While waiting for the game to end, I took a shower, unpacked and at 8:00, I popped the tape out of one of the VCRs. Tape in hand, I made my way to the kitchen for a drink…..then the phone rings. My wife answers and it is my in-laws. After a few minutes of chatting on the phone with her parents, the following conversation occurs:

Mrs. DbJ: My mom want to talk to you. (In retrospect, this was a bizarre request...to this point, my mother-in-law and I had a cordial relationship, but we were far from phone buddies)

DbJ: I don’t want to talk to anyone until after I am done watching the game.

Mrs. DbJ: Just talk to her for a minute!

DbJ: No.

Mrs. DbJ: For once in your life, can you be a nice person? (What a wife-like thing to say)

DbJ: Fine….but make sure she knows not to discuss anything about the game. (What a dumb ass I am)

So I take the phone and have a perfectly inane discussion….how was the trip….how was the wedding….was the flight crowded. (This couldn’t F-ing wait until AFTER the game?!?!?!?!?) Then the following bombshell dropped:

DbJ’s Mother-in-Law: Here, wait a second, David (my father-in-law) wants to razz you about the game.

DbJ: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Note – For those who don’t recognize the word “razz”, it is a slang term mostly used, but not exclusively, by older people. It is defined as: to tease, ridicule, deride heckle, etc. Clearly, in this case it meant “they lost”.]

I proceeded to yell at her for ruining the game for me. Then my father-in-law gets on the phone and tries to tell me that my mother-in-law wasn’t watching the game and didn’t know what happened. This is total BS, because my father-in-law’s diarrhea of the mouth is almost as bad as my mother-in-law’s. There is no way my father-in-law didn’t spill the beans.

Of course, everyone got upset….my wife, my mother-in-law, my father-in-law….but mostly me.

So I go to watch the game anyway and I am soooooo pissed. I can’t even enjoy the Jets taking an early lead, because I know a collapse is coming. The entire time I am fuming….constantly muttering under my breath, “f-ing b-tch”. And of course the Jets did end up falling apart. And that is how that miraculous Jet season ended for me.

To this day, I still get angry just thinking about that day. I am mad at my wife for forcing me onto the phone. I am mad at myself for getting on the phone. I am mad at my father-in-law for telling my mother-in-law anything about the game. But mainly, I HATE my mother-in-law.

DbJ

 

Yep....and very happy. Every day a surprise.

 

Hmmmm......tempting.

 

If it happened now, there would be no chance. We (my mother-in-law and I) barely speak. Believe it or not, this isn't even close to the worst thing she's done.

 

In fact last week we were about 10 minutes behind live on DVR when the phone rang in the 4th quarter. I yelled up to my wife "DO NOT ANSWER THE PHONE!!!!" It wasn't my in-laws, but my wife didn't answer anyway.....I had warned her before the game that we were in "radio silence" until the game was over.